Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
