i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
