My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
