you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
