my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
