I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
