Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize