Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize