This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
