I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
