I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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