I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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