the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
