Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
