I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
