Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
