you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
