On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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