Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
