if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
