put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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