Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
