There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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