After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
