Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Randomize
