I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
