You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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