Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I know her cup size but not her name....
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
