my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
