I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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