Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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