Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
