i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
