Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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