Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
