Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
