She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
