Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
