Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
