Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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