May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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