so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
