he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
