did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
