A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
So many bounce houses so little time
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
