Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
