just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
