I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
