I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
