why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
