I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
