Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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