remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
