The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
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He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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