Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
