mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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