and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Randomize
