I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
