i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
