I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
