You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
