3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Randomize
