I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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