I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
