I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
